Best and Worst Advice about Sex
As a professor human sexuality, one of the ways I first engage my students to in sexual health conversations is by asking them to write down, anonymously, the BEST and WORST advice they were given about sex.
The students find it so refreshing to hear they weren’t alone in receiving some terrible advice and excited about getting some new ideas on sex. The answers are incredibly varied and often pull on the emotional heart strings of all involved.
So I decided to give the same two questions a try on my Instagram account. Here are the responses I got.
THE WORST ADVICE RECEIVED
“Not receiving any advice”
“No matter how you feel, you have to be in the mood when your husband is.”
“It’s my “job” to keep him happy even if I don’t want to do it.”
“It was a surprise to me that what goes in must come out (sperm)…I didn’t know to grab something (to clean things up).”
“It will only take a couple of months to figure everything out.”
“My told me when I got married to just do it whenever my husband wanted and it make things better.”
“Not getting any advice at all.”
“That everything will just feel natural. it doesn’t take work or thought.”
“That you should still have sex if your partner wants it but you don’t.”
“Not me personally, but my former roommate was told by her mother to “lay still and wait for it to be over.”
“You should always feel like you can get on your knees and pray after sex. What??”
“You know it really hurts when it’s your first time, right?”
“That men want it every time women do. He’ll never say no. Not true.”
“It’s a chore that men really need and women eventually don’t at all so just get through it.”
“You’re just a place for a guy to do his thing. And that was from my MOTHER.”
“Keep your expectations low. You’ll probably be disappointed regardless.”
“Not to have any sex…”
“I was told to douche every time after. [thumbs down emoji]”
“That it’s something to be done only when you’re trying to have kids. For real. Neither hubby or I agree.”
“That you always have to be available for him. Yeah right. Lol.”
“That it gets boring and you need some weird icy hot lube to make it more exciting.”
“Not to let him finish inside of me because it would feel like a ‘slug in your vagina.’
“That only my husband would enjoy it and there would be times that I would have to say yes to sex when I didn’t want it.”
“Just saying nothing…”
“It takes at least 10 times (having sex) to get pregnant.”
“I never got any”
“NEVER say no to your husband when he wants sex because he’ll go find it somewhere else/”
“I had a relative tell me before I got married that sex was just something women have to endure for their husband. “
Don’t talk. Just do.
“Well meaning people told newlywed me not to ever turn down my husband.”
“It’s supposed to hurt and it’s really not for women anyways.”
“I think that worst thing was that I was told nothing. It was just a mystery.”
“Worst advice was getting no advice.”
“You’ll figure it out when you get there.” From my father-in-law to my husband before the wedding. [face palm emoji] Not. Helpful.”
“No matter what, never, ever turn your husband down. He needs it the most.”
“Don’t worry it it hurts a little. That’s normal.”
“No advice. Or information. [face palm emoji] . My honeymoon was spent looking things up online because I was SO confused.”
“Don’t ever say no.”
THE BEST ADVICE I RECEIVED:
“The best lube is human saliva. I about died when my mother-in-law told me this at a bridal shower.”
“Your pleasure matters. You can tell your partner exactly what you do or don’t like.”
“Orgasms are good for you! The clitoris is there solely for pleasure.”
“It should be fun! My mom always talked about sex in positive terms so I wasn’t inhibited when I got married.”
“To never compare or talk details in a competitive way.”
“That I need to figure out what works best for me.”
“To focus on pleasure and intimacy and not actually require intercourse.”
“Have fun. Don’t get too serious about it. Sex is weird and awkward and fun and feels good if you let it.”
“Sex doesn’t have to be miserable. Empower yourself!”
“Never go down a slide that’s not wet [laughing emoji]”
“Your sexuality is not there to serve your husband.”
“The BEST advice I give is to relax!!!! Don’t tense up.”
“Don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”
“Learn, and speak, each other’s love languages (including physical intimacy.”
“It takes time to get good at it!”
“Don’t compare yourselves to how often other people are doing it.”
“Be willing to laugh: from joy, at yourself, at the absurdity of it all!”
“I wasn’t told much. I got advice from books. And the books were And They Were Not Ashamed and She Comes First.”
“Never use sex as a weapon. Never use it as leverage to get what you want.”
“Best advice I received was don’t over think it.”
“Communicate with your partner. Plain and simple.”
“The first few times might not be super enjoyable. It’s just about getting it in! Yes!”
‘My husband and I were virgins when we got married. We were told: use lube and take it easy the first time.”
“Laugh through the awkward parts together.”
“Relax and talk through what you’re feeling. Remember that sex isn’t always “sexy.” Remember to laugh.
“That as a woman, it is OKAY and IMPORTANT to find ways to make sex pleasurable for you too.”
“Pee right after to avoid UTI’s. Wish someone would have told me that before I got one though!”
“Good sex is a team sport, good communication and working together are key.”
“Never fake an orgasm.”
“Women can orgasm!!!”
“Use lube!”
“Making sure my orgasm is a priority the majority of the time.”
“Have a sense of humor. It’s funny sometimes! If you can laugh, it goes from embarrassing to connecting.”
“That it’s a journey of communication. Be a generous lover.”
“All of the things you share here [Instgram page]
“Communicate your feelings and it’s ok if you don’t want to have sex.”
So how about you? What was the best and worst advice YOU received about sex?