A Principle Based Approach To The Law of Chastity
An Invitation To Consider Moving Beyond Obedience to Honoring The Law of Chastity
By Kristin B. Hodson, LCSW, CST and David Smurthwaite
“Do you obey the law of chastity?”
How many times have you heard these seven words? If you’re like most members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it’s likely been tens, if not hundreds. Sometimes the setting has been non-threatening, like a Sunday School class or youth fireside. Other times, the setting has been intimate and vulnerable, like a temple recommend interview with a priesthood leader.
Given the number of opportunities we have to discuss chastity over our lifespan as members, you’d think we’d all be experts. As it turns out, many of us still look at chastity as little more than an opportunity to prove our personal worthiness.
But what if our understanding of chastity shifted from what we did or didn’t do to a higher, principle-based standard?
What if chastity was seen as a principle for all people in all relationships at all stages of life?
Elevating our understanding of chastity would not only improve the health and well-being of our developing youth but would improve the health of all relationships across the love lifespan including those dating, married, in a partnership, divorced, and widowed.
Moving toward principle-based understanding also provides inclusivity for all of God’s children to uphold chastity in their own lives regardless of gender or orientation.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints’ founding Prophet, Joseph Smith taught the earliest members, “Give them correct principles and let them govern themselves.” However, if we examine the current temple recommend questions, are we providing enough correct scaffolding for people to be able to self-reflect and determine how they are honoring the law of chastity?
Do you strive for moral cleanliness in your thoughts and behavior?
Do you obey the law of chastity?
The Church’s official website states that “Chastity is sexual purity. Those who are chaste are morally clean in their thoughts, words, and actions. Chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage. It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage.”
If we look beyond chastity and fidelity, chastity is more than anything a pursuit of values that include commitment, collaboration, and love. Having principles and values to guide our decisions empowers us to find the best in ourselves, our relationships, and our spirituality.
How do we move towards a principle-centered approach of chastity?
Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist, Doug Braun-Harvey, explains that, “Historically, religion provided the first guidelines for human sexual behavior. Act-centered theology judged specific acts of sex as holding moral or immoral value. Principle-centered values, on the other hand, help individuals, families and society to develop criteria for decision making regarding sexual activity, taking into account motives and consequences.”
This is why a principle-based approach and explanation can elevate what the church currently teaches about the Law of Chastity. It also provides a greater opportunity to develop our emotional selves and further develop our sexuality. Expanding our definition gives us things to do instead of focusing on what not to do.
Just as modesty has had an imbalanced emphasis on girls and what they wear, the law of chastity has had an imbalanced emphasis on youth and single adults. Additionally, for married folks within the Church, chastity is most often distilled down to what not to do, (i.e.infidelity), instead of moving toward a vision of sexual health and striving for a mutually satifying and fulfilling sexual bond.
We’re setting a very low bar to healthy sexual relationships if all we’re worried about is infidelity and masturbation.
Exchanging “Mormon whoops” for a higher, holier understanding of chastity
Shifting from “what I can or can’t do” to “how do I want to treat myself and those with whom I share a relationship” demands a deeper inquiry, wrestle and ownership over sexuality, choices, and expression. It requires that we develop our skills within relationships such as communication and honesty. Additionally, it requires we manage the anxiety surrounding the application of skills.
For the Strength of Youth states, “Because sexual feelings are so sacred and so powerful, God has given you His law of chastity to prepare you to use these feelings as He intends. The law of chastity states that God approves of sexual activity only between a man and a woman who are married.” While this is a clear line, there is little guidance around navigating relationships and sexuality. As a therapist that has worked with many members, I’ve seen firsthand how focusing on an act-centered approach not only poses health consequences but does little to develop the integrity and relational skills around sexuality.
When we remain in an act-centered mindset to define if we are chaste, we often focus on lines of transgression and how close we can get to them. Case in point, Utah County had an explosion of STI including gonorrhea, chlamydia, HIV, and syphilis in 2019.
This is a perfect example of what we call, “the Mormon whoops.” This is also present in other religious cultures as well, however, we’ll use Mormon for the context of this article. The Mormon whoops happens when we have an all-or-nothing approach to sexuality and ignore sexual development.
When sexuality is seen as optional to our development and merely as a sin unless we are married, we do not engage in healthy and conversational behaviors that keep us healthy. We cannot discuss our boundaries around sexual relationships because there should be no sexual relationships. We cannot discuss how we are going to prevent STIs and pregnancy because there should be no sex happening. We cannot discuss our shared values around sexual expression because there should be no sexual expression and under the umbrella of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, our shared values are already assumed.
So instead we are left with now no discussion, no protection, and no clear understanding because to discuss sexual wellness is seen as we are then preplanning to sin. We continue feeling guilty after sexual experiences, we commit to never doing them again and we get into the Mormon whoops cycle. We are left more vulnerable and at risk for health consequences with this approach because we are not taking responsibility for our sexuality and relationships.
Essentially, we resolve our internal moral conflict between sexuality and religious beliefs by not taking ownership of our sexuality, engaging in sexual behaviors, and feeling regret with a commitment to not do it again until we do it again. Cue Britney Spears– Oops, I did it again.
You cannot skip or bypass human development. It is a necessary and organic part of being human just like you can’t skip or bypass emotional and mental development. Trying to suppress or suspend sexual development leads to delayed development that creates bigger problems and consequences down the road.
As Adam S. Miller says in his book, “Letters to a Young Mormon” “You did not choose this hunger (sexual desire). But, even if you had, the task would be the same: you must choose what to do with it. You must learn how to care for this hunger and be chaste. Caring for this hunger will take practice and patience. Be kind to yourself as you stumble through.” Learning how to manage and work WITH your sexuality rather than seeing it as the enemy is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself.
Six Principles to Help You Truly Honor the Law of Chastity
If you are looking to expand, deepen and bring more nuance to your understanding and upholding of the law of chastity here are six principles and 30 questions to reflect on.
Reflecting on these questions regularly just like the temple recommend questions will help you develop and mature your sexual health. These questions are adapted from the Six Principles of Sexual Health developed by Doug Braun-Harvey. These principles were developed “to provide a map to balance couples and family conversations about sexual activity, sexual functioning, and sexual relationships before it is a problem or hurts someone.”
PRINCIPLE 1: HONESTY
Am I being honest with myself about my desires?
Am I being honest with my partner?
Am I honoring our relationship agreements and commitments?
If I find that I have conflicts with my desires and values am I working to resolve those in healthy and honest ways?
If I am wanting to shift our agreements, am I approaching my partner and collaborating with them rather than finding justification for breaking, adjusting, or adapting on my own?
PRINCIPLE 2: MUTUAL PLEASURE
Am I focused on engaging in and creating sexual experiences that are focused on enjoyment for both of us?
Do I understand how I experience pleasure?
Do I understand how my partner experiences pleasure?
Am I focused on giving as well as receiving?
Do we have a contraceptive method and/or barrier method that we feel confident in so we can relax and enjoy our sexual experiences?
PRINCIPLE 3: NON-EXPLOITATION
Am I taking advantage of my partner’s trust to gain what I want in a sexual experience?
Am I withholding information or leveraging power to get my needs met or to get what I want?
Am I looking for ways to uphold our agreements rather than looking for ways to get what I want by finding the loopholes?
PRINCIPLE 4: PROTECTION FROM STI’S, HIV AND UNWANTED PREGNANCY
Am I protecting myself and others from STI’s? Unwanted pregnancy?
Am I having the conversations necessary to effectively prevent STI’s and unwanted pregnancy?
Are we engaging in conversations that discuss how we want to prevent pregnancy with both parties taking responsibility?
Are we considering how preventing pregnancy can impact pleasure?
Am I taking responsibility for my sexual behavior and choices?
Are we regularly revisiting this conversation before, during, and at the end of our reproductive years and as new health concerns emerge?
PRINCIPLE 5: SHARED VALUES
What are my values around sexuality?
Do I share these same values with my partner?
Have we discussed what our values are?
Do we have boundaries and agreements in place to uphold our personal and relational values?
Am I taking personal responsibility to uphold our values and boundaries?
If we are consistentlyviolating our boundaries and agreements, are we revisiting this and making necessary adjustments?
Are we making our shared values a living document that we continually update as we grow, change and mature in our own lives?
PRINCIPLE 6: CONSENT -
Am I engaging in consensual experiences where we are both in agreement and striving for mutually pleasurable experiences?
Am I honoring another’s agency and boundaries to change their mind during sexual experiences?
Am I clear with my yeses and noes?
Do I feel safe and create safety for my partner to honestly engage or disengage with a sexual experience?
The temple recommend questions ask whether we, “are striving”. This suggests that developing a principle-based approach to chastity is something we continually work toward but don’t necessarily arrive at.
The beautiful part of our gospel is we know we aren’t perfect. That’s the plan. Growth and learning how to manage a body is important and also part of the plan.
References:
Braun-Harvey, D., & Vigorito, M. A. (2016). Treating out of control sexual behavior: Rethinking sex addiction. Springer Publishing Company.
Chelom E. LeavittAssistant professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University. (n.d.). Conversations about intimacy and sex that can prepare you for marriage. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved November 17, 2022, from https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2020/08/young-adults/conversations-about-intimacy-and-sex-that-can-prepare-you-for-marriage?lang=eng&adobe_mc_ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.churchofjesuschrist.org%2Fstudy%2Fensign%2F2020%2F08%2Fyoung-adults%2Fconversations-about-intimacy-and-sex-that-can-prepare-you-for-marriage%3Flang&adobe_mc_sdid=SDID
Hodson, K. B. (2018, January 13). Mormons and Masturbation Part II. Retrieved from https://www.kbhconnect.com/learning/masturbation-and-mormons-part-ii.
Miller, A. S. (2018). Sex. In Letters to a young Mormon. essay, Deseret Book.
What is the law of Chastity? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (n.d.). Retrieved November 17, 2022, from https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/chastity/what-is-the-law-of-chastity?lang=eng&adobe_mc_ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.churchofjesuschrist.org%2Fstudy%2Fmanual%2Fchastity%2Fwhat-is-the-law-of-chastity%3Flang&adobe_mc_sdid=SDID